A testimony

Hey everyone, here's a testimony about how God broke through my spiritual
slump in a moment last week. I was actually hesitant about posting it
because I'm still thinking about it a lot, so please comment if you'd like.

This summer I’ve been busy. Sure, I’ve had a lot of activities going on—an
internship, exploring DC, hanging out with friends, etc.—but what I really
mean by being “busy” is having my mind constantly focused on things other
than God. At first I forced myself to spend some time alone with God
because I knew it was important, but gradually I found myself unable to
follow through on these daily sessions because I felt like I was unable to
connect with God or found it too boring to go on. When I tried to pray or
read the bible, I couldn’t concentrate. When I tried waiting on God, I
couldn’t sit still. And yet I knew that spending time with God was
important, so I felt like I had failed. Throughout the day, my mind would
be consumed with other things and every time the thought of God came up
(which was less and less), I would think, “Oh, I really need to have more
quiet time with God.” I knew I was not where I should be spiritually. But
the problem was that to me, the solution was to pray more, to read the
bible more, to wait on God more, yet despite my efforts these things were
getting more and more difficult for me to do. I felt like a gulf had formed
between me and God, and the path to the way back was vastly unappealing.

But one night last week God broke through this all. When I didn’t think I
could make it all the way back to Him, He came and met me where I was. It
happened when I realized that all He wanted, all He required, was for me to
turn my heart toward Him that moment. My heart had been either delaying a
return, not wanting to face the disappointment in God’s face, or else
caught up in repenting for my shortfalls whenever I tried to draw near. I
felt that I had let Him down. But what I suddenly realized was that He
wasn’t disappointed. Disappointment comes when there are unmet
expectations, but God doesn’t have those kinds of heavy-burdened
expectations for us. All He wanted was for me to simply turn to Him that
moment, and He was overjoyed because of it!

I had thought that, before I could draw close to God, I had to be ready to
commit myself to Him again. But this was a deception that was keeping me
from God. I thought that before He could completely accept me, I had to
say, “Okay, God, I’m ready to live whole-heartedly for You now. I’m ready
to obey all Your commands and do everything You want me to do.” And the
problem was that I wasn’t ready to say that, and so I felt I couldn’t truly
come back.

But what I found was that God doesn’t require us to make promises we’re not
ready to make. He didn’t require me to be ready to give my entire life to
Him then and there. All I had the strength and faith to do was to turn to
Him that moment, and I realized that was all He wanted. As I processed this
revelation, and simply turned to God, it was all He needed to pour all of
Himself over me. I was set free. I had gotten used to coming before Him
with a feeling of inadequacy and the condemnation of “not giving enough.”
But now I came before Him with freedom and confidence, knowing He was
filled with joy merely by my presence.

The only way I can describe what that moment felt like is this: think about
having a fifty-pound weight on your shoulders for several years and had
already gotten completely used to it when, suddenly, someone took it off.
You would feel like you could fly. What happened inside of me was something
like that. I had gotten used to feeling guilty for not giving “enough” and
not meeting God’s expectations, when suddenly, that condemnation was lifted
off. I realized that God was so pleased with whatever I had at that moment
and that I was "enough" for Him. Suddenly I had ascended to a freedom, joy,
and peace I had never felt before. I actually laughed so hard I started
sobbing.

It was like Jesus was at the door knocking. I could hear Him knocking, but
I didn’t want to open the door because I wasn’t ready to be a good host.
I’d have to prepare things for him to eat, a place to sleep, etc. and most
of all, I still had to clean the house! But when the knocking continued, I
knew I couldn’t ignore it anymore so I mustered the courage to open the
door. Too embarrassed about the mess and not being prepared, I could hardly
look at Him. But to my surprise, He was filled with uncontainable joy just
to see me! He didn’t care about how clean the house was. He didn’t even
comment on it. He stepped through the door and hugged me so tightly: “I am
so pleased with you, my daughter! I love you so much.” And what I didn’t
expect was that behind Him, there were cleaning supplies that He had
brought to clean the house for me. And He had brought tons of food for us
to eat. I was filled with so much peace and joy. I didn’t have to do
anything, to prepare anything. All I did was open the door and He took away
all the other burdens I thought I had. And most of all, I saw He had only
wanted to be with me.

This was a life-changing moment, but the beauty of it lies in every moment.
Every moment is a chance to start over, and every moment is a new
invitation. He doesn’t ask us, “Will you follow me to your death?” He just
asks us, “Will you turn your heart to me this second?” Don’t even think
about trying to follow Him in the future, don’t worry about tomorrow. What
God wants is that in this moment we turn to Him, and then comes the next
moment. It’s step by step. And it’s walking in freedom and joy because I
know that every time, it’s a simple act of faith that touches His heart.
Before, spending time with God through praying or reading the bible had
started to become a burden because I thought it was something He “expected”
from me. But now it is a joy and I want to press in because I know He is
proud of me. He isn’t proud because of what I have done in the past or what
I will do in the future. No matter what, He is proud of me because I am His
daughter. Just like a baby doesn’t have to do anything to win the affection
of the parents, we receive God’s love not through earning it (which means we
also can’t disqualify ourselves from it.) And this love that is almost
too-good-to-be-true is what makes me want to know Him more.

What I’ve realized is that God doesn’t just want me to spend so many
minutes alone with Him everyday; what He wants is my soul resting in Him
throughout the day, to have my thoughts constantly turning to Him and
enjoying His presence with me. It’s okay if I am immersed in other
activities and thoughts, but what’s important is that when my mind is
finished being consumed with these other things, I can quickly turn to Him
again. Having a certain amount of prayer or bible reading everyday isn’t
the “goal”—it’s being able to turn my heart back toward Him and rest in Him
wherever, whenever.

This only confirms to me that it’s not because of our self-discipline, love
for God, or will power that we can abide in His presence. It’s because of
His unconditional, overwhelming love for us that draws us in and meets us
wherever we are. He is an awesome God!